My brokenness is something that I have intentionally made elusive in my mind. It’s not that I fool myself into believing that I am not broken, or that I put on a facade where I present myself as being “good,” but rather it is because of my own awareness of my brokenness and my fear of being vulnerable.
The sense of feeling my weaknesses, my shortcomings, my pride and my greed exposed and known terrifies me. I live in a constant fear of being fully known. I know myself. I know the darkness inside me. I do all I can to keep it from being exposed.
I confess that my fear of having my brokenness exposed to those I love, my family and friends, keeps me from having deep relationships. I confess this fear of feeling vulnerable and exposed inhibits my sense of being a beloved of God. This fear is debilitating.
Because of this fear, I am hyper-sensitive to disruption. Disruption is particularly terrifying for me because I am afraid of the disruption pushing me to a point where my weakness is exposed for all to see. So, I keep myself closed off. This is where this week’s chapter on losing one’s keys hit home.
I need to be reminded, as a member of the body of Christ, and part of the kin-dom of God that I too am beloved. That I too am desired. That I too can be healed and forgiven of holding myself apart, disrupting the possibility of shalom. I need my community of faith to help me remember, and I hope that I can help them remember this as well. We are broken, but we are also the beloved of God.